Not in a million years would I imagine cock-eating an art form…
Big & hard, or at times, sloppy & grisly.. down yer throat and that’s it. A moment of pleasurable suffocation. So, when I came across Guo Li Zhuang Penis Restaurant in Beijing, I thought a weirdo’s gimmick, a myth of virility. What’s more could this be?
Still.. the little voice in me knew myself better. I am a bit of a weirdo and like (to test) gimmicks, though I am yet to experience a myth of virility. Off I went scrambling my way around Dongsishitiao for this. One restaurant that appeared a Chinene medicine shop. I couldn’t see tables, chairs, waiters from the outside, but I did smell the perfume of dry roots and crackling barks being simmered for hours. Not aromatically enticing.
Walked in. I was led into this a dimly lit hallway, and then, a starkly white room. There were about 5-6 of them. An old humming air-con. A table for four. One door. No window. One brightly coloured menu with calligraphic illustrations of erect mountains, Napoleon and Genghis Khan. No Queen Elizabeth. No Kate. The Chinese waiters so casually dressed I couldn’t tell they were actually at work blocked the door. No escape. I gestured for the hot pot and a lavish array of members. £80 approx.
They left.. I was locked in.
I couldn’t tell…
And for the first time I felt … well… fucked … at a penis restaurant.
A moment later the cocks arrived. Three or four waiters took turns telling me which was which in broken English. Each seemed able to memorize no more than three English words. It was too late at night to ring my lovely personal translator. So, cum .. come what may.
THIS.. the Asian dream? A circumcised, 8-or-so incher stood erect on a landscape of mutilated penises with bushes of parsley barely covered the well carved, bright red testis. You couldn’t really say no to this spectacle!
I took time examining the raw cocks. Thoroughly cleaned. No sperm. No Spunk. Smelled fresh. There were five kinds, namely yak, donkey, sheep, dog and deer. The latter came in slices and in chunks. The donkey’s appeared pre-cooked. The meat came from the shafts. No gland. No corona. No urethra…..
.. meaning if you had not been informed they were members, it was not likely you would have made it out yourselves.
The real stunner was, however, the hot pot. Once the lid was lifted up, I smelled this influx of sweet aroma permeating the room. Looking down, however, was an experience I was not sure I wanted to reprise..
.. there was this milk-coloured soup wherein a turtle swam.
To be precise, the turtle had already been dissected. Guts removed. Just the shell, the part which was strongly and most frequently associated with Chinese medicine, the legs and.. the head. The soup, apart from the turtle, was an infusion of a rather mild stock with dried longans, goji berries, Chinese dates and Chinese ginseng shavings. Light and bordering on being fruity. I was not sure what contributed the milky colour. I was also served smoky chilli relish, ginger-infused soy sauce, and soy bean sauce to go with my penises.
Eating cocks was more complicated than what I was used to. I was not allowed to touch the cocks. My waiters did it all for me. The yak’s went in first. Just poached for a few minutes. Crunchy gelatinous texture, similar to that of big, but not brilliant quality, sea cucumbers. A hint of beefy taste. Not robust. Delicious! The sheep’s was the second in. Limp but long. Lightly gashed to fan out when cooked. Required longer cooking time. Soft, cartilage-like texture. Tasted million times better than the deep-fried ones at Dong Hua Men Night Market. It wasn’t my favourite.
The deer’s and the donkey’s were thrown in almost at the same time. The sliced deer’s members had a springy, jellyfish-like texture. Tasted wonderfully like venison. Visibly, the most well-hung, the donkey’s, as it’d been pre-cooked, was merely re-heated in the hot pot. Meatiest and very fragrance. Unlike donkey meat, the penis boast delectable fat content. Both taste and texture worked. It really put a big smile on my face. This was followed by the deer’s cock chunk. Improved texture compared to the sliced ones. There was chewable firmness and tenderness. As it was a bigger piece, the game-y aroma was more pronounced.
The dog’s was saved for last. Slimy and gummy looking. Took 10+ minutes to cook. It seemed to love hot bath and puffed up in excitement. Sweet and distinctly strong flavour. A surprise contrast to its spongy and light texture. This was rounded up with turtle’s feet. Gelatinous. Imagine chicken skin texture but more dense and rather bone-y.
Between these five penis tasting, I was also served many mini bowls of soup from the hot pot. The flavour metamorphosed from fruity sweetness, to steeply intense meaty-ness at the end. I mopped up all the bits left, finished my rice.. and utterly fell for the animals’ members.
Was I into bestiality?
That was about it.
One unforgettable meal. The menu (which I asked my friend to roughly translate) spoke highly of medicinal benefits of eating penises. Good skin, good blood circulation, good erection. Whether all that worked was private
All I knew was I opened my eyes and mouth wide enough to take up five penises. This was my ultimate eating experience yet. I would miss this room, this sweet ginseng perfume, and the “members”…
I will be back.. maybe. Who knows?
My head rating says, “9 out of 10″.
My heart rating says, “9 out of 10″.
GUO LI ZHUANG PENIS RESTAURANT
Tel. +86 8411 6666